They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
