i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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