Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize