Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
