yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize