i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
