ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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