Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
