My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
