Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
