Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
40s are totally the cure
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
