Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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