see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
