even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
