You just made me feel so damn special
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
