I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
