end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
