So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
