If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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