I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
