the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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