What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
