bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
