Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
