I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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