All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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