I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
