he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
