FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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