His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
