that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
