Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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