we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
