alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Pants are for mortals
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
