I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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