When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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