I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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