just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
