my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
