We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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