I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
