I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
