You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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