Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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