Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
