Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
