sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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