Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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