The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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