You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
