Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
