My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
