Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
