my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
