Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize