Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
