Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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