my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Bring me that man meat
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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