I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
