i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
