I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
